How could it miss?

In the run-up to Ron Howard’s documentary about Luciano Pavarotti (release date: June 7), I got to thinking about “Yes, Giorgio” (1982). The most charismatic tenor of his day made his non-operatic, big-screen debut in this Franklin J. Schaffner-directed film. You know, the same Franklin J. Schaffner who directed “Patton?”

Franklin, you magnificent bastard, I saw your movie…

Here’s the premise: Operatic superstar Giorgo Fini (Pavarotti) is on tour in the U.S., when the unthinkable happens – he loses his voice! Naturally his manager engages a throat specialist, played by Kathryn Harrold (Giorgio thinks she is a nurse, ha ha), leading to much risible “repartee.” Not at all believably, the two fall in love. But of course there are complications. Giorgi IS Italian, after all.

Okay, so the premise is creaky. Is there any opera? Oh yes there is, including Luciano, as Calaf, belting out “Nessun dorma” at the peak of his powers. But to get there you have to slog through countless scenes of Pavarotti, with a face as open and as ingratiating as that of a golden retriever, trying to compensate for a horrible script by charming the socks off everyone in the room. Let’s face it: he may have had a voice from the heavens, but Pavarotti is no dramatic actor. Fortunately, there is also comic relief, courtesy of “Green Acres’” Eddie Albert (just to keep it real). And not to worry, there is a pie fight.

I guess there was no room in the $21 million budget – or his schedule – for John Williams to provide a complete music score (Michael J. Lewis does the dishonor), but Williams does contribute an Oscar-nominated song, “If We Were in Love,” with lyrics by the legendary Alan & Marilyn Bergman. Williams is in his element, and turns in a buoyant set-piece. In theory, this should have been a real showstopper.

Alas, for all his lyrical gift, Williams is not a song composer, and even with (or perhaps because it is) Pavarotti singing, it turns out to be kind of embarrassing. It would be perfectly fine if it weren’t a song, but let’s face it, the balloon ride over Napa Valley ranks up there – or down there, as it were – with Margot Kidder reciting poetry to Superman.

This was the same year as “E.T.,” by the way.

Ironically, the original soundtrack is now a collector’s item. The belated domestic CD reissue was shorn of the Oscar-nominated song. Williams, the Bergmans, and the Pavarotti estate must want this one buried deep.

“Yes, Giorgio” sank like a stone. Taking into account promotional and distribution costs, it lost MGM an estimated $45 million. Siskel and Ebert selected it as one of the worst movies of the year, and the film was nominated for multiple Razzies. Ebert claimed that Pavarotti utters the line, “I will sing this aria just for you!” a dozen times. The film opens with the following dedication: “This story is dedicated to lovers everywhere.” Oy vey.

There’s so much talent squandered on this movie that I could easily be fooled into thinking I would like to watch it again. This is the most dangerous kind of bad.

No, Giorgio!

I am, however, very much looking forward to seeing Ron Howard’s documentary.