In “Conan the Destroyer” (1984), one of Conan’s companions speculates, “I suppose nothing hurts you.”
To which Conan replies, “Only pain.”
Discriminating viewers may feel a little pain themselves watching these silly, cheesy, violent films, all of which were inspired by the writings of pulp master Robert E. Howard. Howard created the warrior Conan in 1932. The character became the center of a series of lucrative stories first published in “Weird Tales” magazine.
It would be a half century before Conan made the leap to the big screen, under the direction of John Milius. “Conan the Barbarian” (1982) propelled Arnold Schwarzenegger, already a legend in the field of bodybuilding, to international superstardom. While “Conan” isn’t exactly “Citizen Kane,” it does have its pleasures. The intensity of the violence can be a little disturbing, but the ponderous tone is a blast. “Conan” is a film that takes itself just seriously enough to make it occasionally hilarious.
Another thing “Conan” has going for it is the fact that it was made on a blockbuster budget. The first-rate production values extend to the music by Basil Poledouris, who employs a full symphony orchestra to impressive ends. In fact, the “Conan” score was one of the strongest of the decade. It’s amazing that anyone would find so much inspiration in such a mediocre film, but Poledouris’ music intersperses Borodin-style Central Asia lyricism with brawny, thrilling action music.
Sadly, the sequel, “Conan the Destroyer,” betrays signs of penny-pinching, so that it often winds up feeling like a direct-to-video effort. Poledouris was forced to make do with a smaller orchestra, which sounds a bit too much like a television ensemble. Still, he gave it his all, and there’s something to be said for the fact that it is an original score, rather than a mere retread of the original.
Another one of Howard’s creations, Kull of Atlantis, was given the big screen treatment as “Kull the Conqueror” (1997). Kevin Sorbo, TV’s Hercules, plays the title role. The composer, Joel Goldsmith (son of Jerry Goldsmith), was asked to incorporate heavy metal riffs into his orchestral underscore. I haven’t actually seen this one, but for some reason I don’t feel like I’m missing anything.
The astoundingly prolific Ennio Morricone – who has more than 500 motion picture and television scores to his name – has an uncanny knack for spinning garbage into gold. His music for “Red Sonja” (1985) lends the film an aura of ‘80s cheese ball fun, perhaps more so than it deserves. This is the film that introduced Brigitte Nielsen as the chain-mailed barbarian beauty. Schwarzenegger appears in the supporting role of Lord Kalidor.
In the ‘80s, even bad films had great scores. I hope you’ll give “Conan the Barbarian” a chance this week, on “Picture Perfect” – music for movies inspired by the writings of Robert E. Howard – this Friday evening at 6:00 EDT, on WWFM – The Classical Network and wwfm.org.
BONUS! Tune in a little early (before 6) to hear selections from a virtuoso organ transcription of “Conan the Barbarian” by Philipp Pelster!
